I feel like I’ve read some really good books this year. Like, really really good books. This one has to go on the top 3 list, though. I’ve been thinking about this review since maybe the first 2 chapters of the book. I should have taken notes as I went, but I’ll try to be true to this blog and let you enjoy the book when you read it. AND, you MUST read this one. This review is my response to the book.
My one word for this one is Gray.
I think I mentioned in a recent review that a friend of mine suggested that I write an article on the significance of “gray” in our lives. Our discussion was particularly focused on the amount of gray in our lives as Christians. While so much of religion tends to teach a singular path and a singular way of living, I’ve come to learn that the singular path only works for maybe a 5 year old in a small town in rural Southern America. Even then, I could probably find a nuance that would make that path slightly different based on how his parents landed in that small town.
The gray in An American Marriage made me first think about my nephews. They are 7 and 11 years old. Both are very blessed African-American boys growing up in a world of privilege. They want for almost nothing. They are blessed with 2 sets of doting grandparents. They aspire to attain professional degrees . . . their parents and extended family members have lots of degrees. So, Georgia’s childhood experience is their experience amplified. It’s a different generation.
However, as future African-American men, there is at least a 50% or higher risk that they could be wrongly accused of a crime leaving behind scars that could change their lives forever. Yet, there is a 90% chance or higher that they will go to college and become responsible young Americans who contribute to their local communities, become leaders in their respective areas of work, and become phenomenal fathers to their children.
This conflict sends me to my knees.
I can’t begin to imagine Roy’s frustration at being 1) wrongfully accused of rape or 2) sentenced to 12 years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit. However, I accept this reality for Americans in prison across the country. Everyone isn’t innocent. And everyone isn’t guilty. Gray.
Roy’s predicament, the predicament of any innocent person wrongfully accused of a crime, the predicament of any person raped or violated and searching for his/her attacker is awful. It hurts. It scars on so many levels.
Yet, the predicament that challenged me the most was that of Georgia/Celestial. Wow.
Your husband is away. You’ve only been married for 18 months when he was sentenced. You’re pregnant. He’s gone. You have a growing business. You have to keep going. You promised to be true to him forEVER – through good and bad. He’s gone. You’re lonely.
WOW! That good Christian religion with a singular path rings in my ear very clearly. You married him. You stay with him. 12 years is not forever. We’ll be in our late 30s when he gets out. You love him. Hang on and support him in prison. He’s innocent. You know this.
But, you’re lonely. He’s gone.
The black and white makes the answer to this “predicament” very clear. Roy’s observation that women drive hours to spend time with men in prison when they aren’t even married SHOUTS at you for even thinking of moving on. He’s your husband. Stay. Support him. Don’t leave him. Don’t cheat.
While this was the predicament of an African-American marriage, I got the “American” marriage. This is not only about the unfairness and injustice that pervades our policing and criminal justice culture in the South. This story is about marriage and commitment and gray.
I could see an application with a deployed military spouse. The spouse of a terminally ill partner. The spouse of a mentally ill partner. The spouse of a partner working out of the country / in another state for more than 6+ months at a time. Any spouse who is away for an extended period. In today’s society, this is truly an American marriage. And, an American marriage is not black and white. There is no singular way to do it. There’s no singular path even in a small town in rural Southern America.
Georgia’s uncle doesn’t give up and Roy is acquitted after serving 5 years of his 12 year sentence. He goes home to learn about Georgia and Andre . . . another twist in this marraige. I have no judgment. I see the gray. I understand the gray. I’m torn to justify the gray, but I get it. I really get it.
I didn’t want this book to end. I wasn’t sure how I wanted it to end. I’m not sure that I’m really done with it even though it’s over. It was just that good.
In part, it reminds me of the challenge in The Rooster Bar by John Grisham. I’m not comfortable with the means to the end, but I get it. And that’s what great authors do with a story. They take you to places where you find ways to connect with the characters. You get in their stories and you have a life experience that you otherwise would not want. But, you go there with the character. And their experience is now a part of yours. Because of that experience, I can better relate to someone who’s experience is different than mine. I would not have dreamed of being there. Yet, now that I’ve “been there with you” even though only via a minute sliver of the real pain you’ve experienced, I can listen. I can empathize. I can be more tolerant. I can be more human. A gray one.
The 100/0 Principle: The Secret of Great Relationships, Al Ritter
Bookends, Liz Curtis Higgs
The Element: How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything, Ken Robinson
It’s that time for long rides in my training season, and I picked this one because I remember stopping in the Canary Islands to refuel on a return trip from South Africa.
I think I like the notion of not thinking about our “issues” and letting things work out in the diversion of though. It’s like somewhere along the way our minds are tricked into worrying about something else and that “thing” just takes care of itself.
Fast read and fun story . . .
I’m stuck on this book. I have a couple other books in progress, but this one keeps coming back for me and it’s been at least 6 weeks since I finished it. I think one reason it’s popping is because the big V-day is tomorrow, and part of my “Anything” relates to what tomorrow represents for some.
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